Being Me

Being Me Its tough being a teenage girl; especially me, that’s excruciating. Take some advice – no one can ever fully understand someone so don’t even try to – it’s impossible. As you read this essay beware, not everyone lives with money and happiness handed to them or lives ‘the dream’. Fact 1, Everyone is stereotyped, bound to whatever group everyone else thinks you are, not who you actually are every stereotype hates at least one other. I get stereotyped because of the make-up on my face, nothing else, just how I look. Why? To find another way to make themselves feel better by putting everyone else down. Pathetic, right? I have lost and gained so many people it is unbelievable; one thing I will say though, is no one sticks around. They expect you there for their troubles but when yours it’s completely different, you can handle them on your own, yes of course. I have gained 3 important people though, Heather Gemma and Anya, they may not stick around forever but they are the closest. I am bitter towards friendships because I lost my best friend to her boyfriend, shaped my opinions on almost everything, from friendships to relationships with anyone, a great deal. Looking back on this I would say I handled that poorly, I don’t need to be hasty but I choose to be. Right, let’s take a look into the intricate mind of me. My paranoia ruins all my relationships, including my family and friends, it works me up to the point I get extremely upset to the point I can’t eat or sleep. My paranoia makes me think that if I haven’t spoken to someone in a few days they absolutely hate my guts, it ruins everything for me. Also, my temper has extremely heightened to the point I am constantly ‘nippy’ towards everyone, the smallest things irritate me. If it was possible I would evaporate my paranoia into thin air and get on with my life but when I look back on it I wish I would just grow up, give myself a slap and get on with my life. I am constantly worn out and lacking any enthusiasm in anything. This means my focus on anything, especially school work. Unfortunately I need my grades for a job, college or maybe even university- how good would it be if you didn’t?! It puts your confidence down to know you would need higher A’s to succeed. Oh well, you can only do the best you can? No, not good enough, push the barriers, get the highest grades possible†¦ Yeah right! When I look back on my focus on my grades etc, I actually cannot help it, I wish I could grasp what the teachers tell me but it goes right through me no matter what I try. As many other teenage girl I don’t see, in the mirror, what everyone sees when they look at me. I see a FAT, ugly, scarred girl, looking back at me. To do my make-up in the morning I see a monster gawk back at me. My weight will not change no matter what I do, I cannot change my face, I cannot change my past either; I completely give up now. When people look at me they only see the intimidating yet happy me I ‘want’ them to see†¦ this gives them the impression of no matter what they do I will be as strong as ever, they will never bring me to my knees. I would say I handle this extremely well considering the amount of self criticism I give myself. People can change your attitudes towards almost anything I suppose yes? Correct. One person has influenced my recent attitude adjustments; I cannot sleep anymore, I cannot trust anyone and he makes me extremely short tempered. Now-a-days if anyone just slightly annoys me I have thoughts going through my head of the things I would do to them if possible but luckily enough I manage to keep my temper. I handle my temper better than anything else in my life, I dread to think where I would be if it completely consumed me. I suppose you could say I have never had a proper start in life; I never really saw my parents growing up, I grew up with violence but technically that made me the person I am today; able to defend myself although I just use it to intimidate. Peer pressure also played a part in my growing up†¦ I had no chance growing up as a normal teenager; ‘oh, do this, it’s cool! C’mon, just do it! DO IT, DO IT! ’ In the end you just end up bowing down to peer pressure, then it consumes you with its viscous grip. I wish I had never given into peer pressure, it has supplemented into ruining my life. Of all things that should affect me, death doesn’t. It happens†¦ yes it fills you with great sadness but on the other hand it happens, get over it. It happens to everyone close or near to you. Although I must admit I am lucky enough never to have lost a relative as close such as a parent, sibling, etc. I lost my great aunt Ivory not too long ago but I was at a loss as to why we celebrate the day of someone’s funeral, it just seems wrong. They may possibly be better off dead but people should be looking back in remorse to think they never spent any more time possible with that person†¦ I never spent any more time with my granddad than when my mother took me in. I didn’t understand he was dying but I wish I had requested to pay more time with him. When I think about it all, I handle my life as best as I can, if I lost at least one aspect, maybe my temper, I would be ended, that would appear on my records preventing me from my beloved job I crave. To be honest? I am a cold person who should be messed up more than I already am but who can help anyone? No one because no one can ever fully understand another, it is impossible. I wish I wasn’t so messed up although I wouldn’t trade my life for anyone else’s, because everyone has their flaws.